A new beginning

I was going to delete all the past posts, mostly because I could not stand to read the commitment I had or the strength that I had gained from the research and the groups and the knowledge that I had gone through the hard stuff and I was on the path to healing.


 Well, it has been more than a year since my last post. I have gained back everything I lost, my depression came back with a vengeance and my body has been sick. I have had little to no sex drive and most days I really could not care if I got out of bed. I have distanced myself from my family, my daughter in particular and become this person that complains all the time to my partner. I am done.


I know what happened, I got cocky. There is no other way to put it, I lost my edge, Then I managed to start doing badly in my job, again got cocky, stopped caring. Damn the man and all of that.

Everything began to suffer and the last 6 weeks of my life have been closest thing to hell on earth that I can think of. I dont have the job any more, I am back up to 174 pounds and now am working two part time jobs at about 50 hours a week and half killing myself.  I currently have no idea what comes next and frankly I am terrified.

I am taking control in the only way that I can really take control. Health first. I have become this person that will maybe brush her hair in the morning, stuff a cereal bar in my face and head out the door to work until i am so hungry that I am grabbing a burger between jobs. Enough.

I have no idea how to control the tailspin that things are in but I can take hold of my health. Back to keto because it is what I know.  I can solve non of the issues in my life if I do not first have my energy and my health back. 

4 month update

Hello guys and dolls! 

Well we are here at June 29 and that means that I am 4 days past the 4 month mark of my keto year. I know now after the first 4 months that there will never be any going back for me as far as eating the SAD diet again, Keto is just the thing that makes me feel too good to quit. 

That said, I have not really had a month of roses the last while. Even after my post about re affirming myself to this WOE I found there was still something that I was having an impossible time putting down. 

Wine, 

Alcohol in general actually, not that I am an every day heavy drinker, I just have had a big issue with telling myself that I can not have it at all. So I have not yet decided to give it up. I am going 30 days to see if it really makes a large difference in my weight loss. The science says that it should. I will not be pushing myself out of keto to burn the booze first. That is just logic. 

I had to ask myself why though, I can give up sugar, I can give up starch. I LOVE chips more than you can possibly imagine and yet I can walk past an open bag now without thinking about It. I am not addicted to booze, I am addicted to the idea of it being a treat.  A forbidden fruit that I can slam into my daily macros without feeling too bad about it. 

I have been on this whole " well I deserve this" mind set about it. Really, that is not being true to the experiment . The idea is to be ketogenic, not low carb. 

 ( forgive any weird typing.. There is a kitten chasing my fingers as I am typing ). 

 So yesterday we had date night, We went for Mexican and I fully planned to stay on plan the whole night. I failed. I made a choice about it and I had no issue getting back on the keto wagon today. No MENATAL issue I should say. 

It was so not worth it. I had a lot of time today to examine the walls of the bathroom at work. I felt horrible and bloated all day and no food would agree with me. I didn't go near my scale because I know better. 

I have found those days are sneaking in more and more the last little while so no more. I have been so against tracking as I just want this to be part of my life and I don't want to give it much thought during the day but my resolve has not grown to that point yet. 

I am taking a page out of Mary Roberts book  ( you are my hero Mary seriously) after watching her keto coaching episodes.  I am an addict plain and simple .  So I need to keep the message forefront all the time and top of mind. I am rewatching all the you tube videos I can find in keto world. Any suggestions would be wonderful. I am literally eating and breathing keto information, as well as examining the rest of my life and decided how I can be happier in it. 

The sad truth is that I can never walk by a mirror without looking to see if I look round and lumpy. It is a mind set that I have never been able to master, to love myself the way I am , because I don't. I am not happy in my 50lb too heavy body and I do not think that has anything to do with self worth. I think the opposite, I value myself enough to change. 

I believe part of me has been scared of the change and the success. I think there has been a bit of self sabotage . It is not all about weight loss for me as I have said before but of course that is our marker of sucess . I believe that the first 4 months have been largely getting my head right. Yes I have seen good results, I am down 15 pounds now, but I feel like I have been in training and now I really want to see what this body can do . It is still summer for 2 months, I want to wear a 2 piece! . Ramble post tonight. Be well my keto peeps

#ketopride 

Cheers

Ginger