A new beginning

I was going to delete all the past posts, mostly because I could not stand to read the commitment I had or the strength that I had gained from the research and the groups and the knowledge that I had gone through the hard stuff and I was on the path to healing.


 Well, it has been more than a year since my last post. I have gained back everything I lost, my depression came back with a vengeance and my body has been sick. I have had little to no sex drive and most days I really could not care if I got out of bed. I have distanced myself from my family, my daughter in particular and become this person that complains all the time to my partner. I am done.


I know what happened, I got cocky. There is no other way to put it, I lost my edge, Then I managed to start doing badly in my job, again got cocky, stopped caring. Damn the man and all of that.

Everything began to suffer and the last 6 weeks of my life have been closest thing to hell on earth that I can think of. I dont have the job any more, I am back up to 174 pounds and now am working two part time jobs at about 50 hours a week and half killing myself.  I currently have no idea what comes next and frankly I am terrified.

I am taking control in the only way that I can really take control. Health first. I have become this person that will maybe brush her hair in the morning, stuff a cereal bar in my face and head out the door to work until i am so hungry that I am grabbing a burger between jobs. Enough.

I have no idea how to control the tailspin that things are in but I can take hold of my health. Back to keto because it is what I know.  I can solve non of the issues in my life if I do not first have my energy and my health back. 

4 month update

Hello guys and dolls! 

Well we are here at June 29 and that means that I am 4 days past the 4 month mark of my keto year. I know now after the first 4 months that there will never be any going back for me as far as eating the SAD diet again, Keto is just the thing that makes me feel too good to quit. 

That said, I have not really had a month of roses the last while. Even after my post about re affirming myself to this WOE I found there was still something that I was having an impossible time putting down. 

Wine, 

Alcohol in general actually, not that I am an every day heavy drinker, I just have had a big issue with telling myself that I can not have it at all. So I have not yet decided to give it up. I am going 30 days to see if it really makes a large difference in my weight loss. The science says that it should. I will not be pushing myself out of keto to burn the booze first. That is just logic. 

I had to ask myself why though, I can give up sugar, I can give up starch. I LOVE chips more than you can possibly imagine and yet I can walk past an open bag now without thinking about It. I am not addicted to booze, I am addicted to the idea of it being a treat.  A forbidden fruit that I can slam into my daily macros without feeling too bad about it. 

I have been on this whole " well I deserve this" mind set about it. Really, that is not being true to the experiment . The idea is to be ketogenic, not low carb. 

 ( forgive any weird typing.. There is a kitten chasing my fingers as I am typing ). 

 So yesterday we had date night, We went for Mexican and I fully planned to stay on plan the whole night. I failed. I made a choice about it and I had no issue getting back on the keto wagon today. No MENATAL issue I should say. 

It was so not worth it. I had a lot of time today to examine the walls of the bathroom at work. I felt horrible and bloated all day and no food would agree with me. I didn't go near my scale because I know better. 

I have found those days are sneaking in more and more the last little while so no more. I have been so against tracking as I just want this to be part of my life and I don't want to give it much thought during the day but my resolve has not grown to that point yet. 

I am taking a page out of Mary Roberts book  ( you are my hero Mary seriously) after watching her keto coaching episodes.  I am an addict plain and simple .  So I need to keep the message forefront all the time and top of mind. I am rewatching all the you tube videos I can find in keto world. Any suggestions would be wonderful. I am literally eating and breathing keto information, as well as examining the rest of my life and decided how I can be happier in it. 

The sad truth is that I can never walk by a mirror without looking to see if I look round and lumpy. It is a mind set that I have never been able to master, to love myself the way I am , because I don't. I am not happy in my 50lb too heavy body and I do not think that has anything to do with self worth. I think the opposite, I value myself enough to change. 

I believe part of me has been scared of the change and the success. I think there has been a bit of self sabotage . It is not all about weight loss for me as I have said before but of course that is our marker of sucess . I believe that the first 4 months have been largely getting my head right. Yes I have seen good results, I am down 15 pounds now, but I feel like I have been in training and now I really want to see what this body can do . It is still summer for 2 months, I want to wear a 2 piece! . Ramble post tonight. Be well my keto peeps

#ketopride 

Cheers

Ginger

Why I keto, Affirmation

So Last night was the relay for life in town. 12 hours of walking a relay track in support of cancer research. It is a powerful night, I always forget just how powerful until I go, This was my 8th year going.

We got down to the track and set up our tent with our horde of snack foods and the relay kicked off. As usual I was mediocre about the whole event, It is very emotional for me as I have lost my dad at a young age to cancer. We were very close. OK so I don't want much to get into that as I have just spent an entire night dwelling in it. I found though that there was a different side effect this year.

I watched the people , walking their miles in deep contemplation of life, solid in their choice to make this small stand and fight all night through sore legs and tired eyes. They had their reason, they hate the disease. They want freedom from it like every on else.

And then they stop at the tents for their muffins, power bars, Gatorade, etc. I watched them pour the poison right back in. The very thing they fought against all night they hungrily engulfed to keep going.

The irony was painful and sad. I found no joy in that.

Then my daughter got up on a stage in front of the whole relay and pledged 300.00 of her own money and had her head shaved in support. She is 13, she didn't care at all for how it looked or what anyone thought, she just needed to make the stand.

Ok so that was one of the proudest moment of my life, this is really personal to me, This is actually why I keto.

I have been more than touched by this disease, my family is on a genetic research list for the province of BC due to the high instance of cancer we have. I had a hysterectomy at age 25 and was put to early menopause due to pre cancerous cells.

It is easy to forget in day to day life, but I had a hard affirmation last night that I NEED to be here, to see this young woman through. I was only 10 years older than her when I lost my dad.

I can get caught in the vanity , I can get caught in the numbers but as Brian Williamson says in the Ketovangelist podcast often, You have to know your WHY. Well my WHY is to never have to be one of the luminary bags glowing in memory at the side of the track. I never want my kid to walk behind the pipe band for the silent lap and remember that I was a vibrant soul. I may not be able to control it all but that can NOT be my legacy. So , I keto and I will Keto on. I am a believer that it is the thing I can do to secure my best odds to not have to go down that road.

Cheers all and good eats.. I am heading for a coffee.... with FAT!

Ginger

ARG!!!!!!!

I am eternally frustrated today, which has caused me to get a little real with myself. I got on the scale today when I woke up feeling really puffy and gross.  Sure Enough, back up to 173. Fuck . 

I know where the culprit lies, it's alcohol. I had wine at a bbq last night but that was not a one off thing. I have been drinking a lot, I went and bought gin thinking that ok this is more keto friendly but yeah, it's still alcohol. I need to get back to my have a beverage on Friday night routine and be done with it because seriously this is messing with my body and messing with my progress. I feel super puffy today. :(.

The other thing is I was at a bbq last night. I was good , very good with what I ate but I have no idea what was in the burgers as they were home made, I really don't now if they used bread to bind them or there were other sneaky carbs in there. SO as I am writing this I am going to stop beating myself up quite so much. It is 6:30 am so please forgive my grammar and sentence structure. I am assuming it won't be the best currently. 

So yes, current weight, 173 post holiday pudge. 

Boo. 

Ginger.

Peace

Have not blogged in awhile. Frankly I fell off the wagon a bit. I can admit that. Work has been so stressful with big and changes and what not that I have been drinking way too much wine. Way too much. I did manage in the last month to lose about 2 pounds but I think that was largely due to simple lack of calories .

The wine kicked me out of ketosis and it was havok on my blood sugar and on my mental state. Found that I was having carb cravings again . I found that all the benefits and feelings of we'll being were leaving me and I was feeling defeated .

I have recommitted  quietly. Giving up the wine . Finding peace and my center. Refocusing on the goals I have. I am also doing a 30 day face project. I know I have a chin I would like to find it. I feel I am on the path to finding some peace in my life . I know I would like to make Keto my career and I am not sure what that looks like yet. I think I would like to take on clients, but before I am ready to do that I need to be a success in my own journey. That is 47 pounds from now . So I am refocusing on me.

Cheers and peace kids

Ginger

Update at the 9 week mark

Good Morning Cats and Kittens,

Well I sure have a lot of catch up to do! I am terribly sorry I have been so slack on posting the last while, lots of life happening and really I didn't have anything to report. Things were plugging along as usual.

So I am down to 168 lbs now. Slow loss compared to a lot but it is enough to make me happy.

I bought a ketone meter and was thrilled to see that I had been getting something right as my numbers were at 1.8 mmol. There was something through that has been bothering me more than anything. My energy. No matter how good I feel and how much I can get done in the day once I am up, I cant get up in the morning, been slow and sluggish. I finally decided after listen to Maria Emmerich's book Keto adapted, it was likely that the antidepressants that I have been on for Fibromyalgia have been the culprit. I am now coming off of them. This is proving to be a hard thing to do.

Currently my brain feels like I had 7 Gin and Tonic, When I move my head around the world swims. I have started taking 5htp to combat the drop in serotonin levels. Besides, It is Friday and I at least have the weekend to recoup.




So this is the progress to date. I have to admit it sure looks like more than 12 pounds! I love the way my skin is feeling healthier and just in general I LOOK so much healthier.

Victory of the week. I bought a belt.

This is just a tiny update! I will commit to posting more often guys!

Thanks for reading

Cheers and good eats.

March 29- the body is a very odd thing

Good Spring day all!

First of all it is the most beautiful day out here in BC today, 16 degrees outside , I am sorry I have no idea what that is in anything other than celcius but I promise it was warm and wonderful.

So this morning I got up and decided for fun I would get on the scale, you see this has previously been fun.. a preview as to what this week's weight will be. I have not really been able to solidly decide on a good weigh day, but I think Fridays because it is the start to the weekend. Well this morning I hopped on the scale to find out I have not lost any weight at all last week but I actually gained 2 pounds. 173 was glaring up at me like a snake!

Now after I thought about trashing the scale, I thought for a minute, I have been very sick with a cold. Still getting over the cough part of it. I had to take all kinds of medication and even though it was a caplet and no sugar, I believe it messed around with the body anyway. My hands were so puffy this morning my rings would hardly move and my belly was puffy , my face was puffy. I was a gigantic water balloon.

I still feel puffy even after the whole day of drinking lots of water, I think that really the medication messed me up. I have eaten on plan all week except for a couple nights where I drank whiskey in my tea instead of using cold medication.

I have also had a high stress week. My ex husband is in town to visit the family and although we play nice, it causes me stress to have him around. This likely means I am not sleeping as well and I am probably producing all sorts of coritsol. Thanks body, you are just my bestest buddy.

So what can I say, I guess given that this is a life change, there are going to be times that I am not going to have the best week. I know where my anxiety is coming from. This is the spot, the place that I always get to with any weight loss plan.. about 10 pounds and then I start rewarding my good behavior with food. The lowest weight that I have been in the last 20 years ( I am 36) is 158lbs. I am only 5 foot 3 so that was still alot of weight on me. I hold it mostly on my stomach and chest, not the legs or face for the most part.

The highest weight I have seen is 200 but that was post baby. I was 215 at the time I delivered. Needless to say 158 is my first goal. When I get under that I can sit back and say " ok, on a path ". I am so determined and motivated! I will stay the course the whole 365 project , probably longer.

Ok anyway, enough wallowing, yes I gained 2 pounds .. big hairy deal. moving on.

Have been having some kitchen fun this week and I am thinking I may start a food page on this blog but for now I want to share my latest delights.

Green Thai curry soup

and my new fab " no mac and cheese casserole "


oh my god it was soo good. And I have food for the next couple days. I have little to no hunger, I am not totally sure if I am all the way fat adapted or not yet, I have ordered a blood testing meter and I am excited to have it arrive so I can see where I am at.

For the time being I am trying to remember that I am still in education mode, watching as many documentaries as I can and ready great books like " why we get fat and what to do about it "

if any of you are amazon shoppers you can do a girl a solid and use the blog links to shop! I get a bit of a monetary bonus for anyone who buys something through my links.

Anyway kids I am into my latest documentary " the perfect human diet " Found it on google play and looks interesting so I am going to tuck up and finish the knitting project I am supposed to be doing right now and watch my movie. Kids are out and the man is having carby beers in his back yard with a buddy. Its an all me night and I intend to enjoy it.. without snacks!

Have a great night, sent with love from puffy fingers!

Ginger